12 secrets of being happy: Using research from 100 world experts....

Extracted from The  World Book Of Happiness by  Leo Bormans

Value happiness: Happiness can be learned, but finding meaning and a purpose in life is what leads to it, not the other way around...

Every time I saw my father in the couple of years before he died, he would say: ‘Tell me Linda, are you happy?’

I think he knew he was coming to the end of his life and wanted to reassure himself of my well-being. Maybe it would have been kinder to reply: ‘Yes, Dad, I’m happy.’ But my relationship had come to an end after more than 20 years and the future looked bleak.

I found myself saying: ‘Right now, no, but I will be again, I’m pretty sure of that. And you’re not to worry. No one can expect to be happy all the time.’ And yet it seems the pursuit of happiness has become a national preoccupation. 

Eminent economists, politicians and psychologists debate endlessly about the best way to create a happy society, while David Cameron’s ‘happiness index’ aims to pin down just how content we are.
 Plenty of woolly self-help books exist which promise to unlock the secret of happiness. Just last week, the Institute of Economic Affairs concluded rather prosaically that money had a large part to play.

But I’ve found, when my life isn’t going to plan, there are plenty of simple things that help — for starters, my friends, my son and my dog. Then there’s walking in the countryside, getting lost in a good book, learning something new, still being a size 10 as I approach 60, a new recipe that turns out well. The list is endless.

But a new book tries to probe deeper. In it, you won’t find spiritual philosophy, but evidence-based material that aims to unlock the secrets of happy people. In the World Book Of Happiness, Leo Bormans has drawn together the research and discoveries of the world’s leading experts on the psychology of happiness. Researchers have questioned thousands of people and what he has discovered is as surprising as it is inspiring.
 

ACCEPT WHAT YOU HAVE

Research shows that happy people have modest levels of expectation and aspirations — they want what they can get — while unhappy people never seem to get what they want. They also know how to avoid disappointments and how to generate pleasant surprises. This is because they strive for realistic goals and are happy with their lot. As Dr Jose de Jesus Garcia Vega, of the University of Monterrey, Mexico, confirms, we must accept things as they come.
 ‘We spend a lot of time complaining about the things that happen to us, but this is a waste of time and effort,’ he says. ‘To be happy, we need to enjoy what we have.’
 

ENJOY WHAT YOU DO

Happy people do what they enjoy and enjoy what they do — and don’t do it for the money  or glory. There’s no point being stuck in a job you hate, surrounded by unfriendly colleagues just because the money is good — people forget that they are allowed to be happy at work, too. Many spend the best years of their lives trying to make money, sacrificing their health and family in the process, says Dr Garcia Vega.
Later, they spend the same money they made working trying to recover their lost health and estranged family.
 

LIVE FOR TODAY

Don’t dwell on the past, on things that went wrong or previous failures. Similarly, don’t dream about an idealised future that doesn’t exist or worry about what hasn’t happened yet. Happy people live for the now; they have positive mind sets. If you can’t be happy today, what makes you think tomorrow will be different?

 

CHOOSE HAPPINESS

Don’t be afraid to step back and re-evaluate your goals. Imagine your life as a story that you can edit and revise as you  go along. This kind of flexible approach requires positive thinking and an open mind — you need to actively choose to be happy.

Iceland has the happiest population, while Britain came ninth in a world survey

 ‘You always have the freedom to choose the manner in which you wish to approach any given situation,’ says Dr Garcia Vega.This theory is backed up by Ingrida Geciene of Vilnius University, Lithuania, who researched the happiness of people in 31 European countries.
 She found that ‘voluntarists’ (people who feel they have free choice and complete control over their life) were happier than fatalists (people who think little can be changed by personal intervention).
Luckily for us, Northern European countries contain more voluntarists while Latin European countries such as Spain and Italy have a higher percentage of fatalists. 

RELATIONSHIPS

We get our happiness from other people, and from supporting other people. Remember that just as other people can make us happy, we are all ‘other people’ to someone else. And cherish people who are important to you. Research also shows that married people are happier than single people.

STAY BUSY

If you want to be happier, develop an outgoing, social personality — accept that drinks invitation, join the walking club, book group or choir. The best way to savour pleasure is in the company of others. Build a rich social life, says Eunkook M. Suh, a psychology professor at Yonsei University in Seoul, not as an obligation, but because it is rewarding, meaningful and fun.
 Active, busy, social people are the healthiest and happiest, in society. Get involved: make your motto ‘use it or lose it.’

DON'T COMPARE

Ambition is healthy and makes people happy, explains Claudia Senik, a professor  at the University of  Paris-Sorbonne, but envy makes them unhappy. Yet comparisons with others can spoil the benefits of ambition and are only useful if you learn something from them. Focus on your goals and dreams  so you can enjoy  your ambition and achievements.

BE YOURSELF
Just as you shouldn’t compare yourself with others, it’s important not to worry about what others think about you — then you can truly be yourself.
Happy people are spontaneous, natural and real; they  say what they think and  feel, and aren’t concerned what others think of them. Being oneself makes one feel free  and authentic.
 STOP WORRYING
Don’t take yourself too seriously. Happy people don’t worry  and they recognise that 90 per cent of worries never come true.
 GET ORGANISED
You might envy those laid-back bohemian types who just do things on the spur of the moment, but don’t be fooled. Happy people plan and organise, they have goals and a purpose. You can only get what you want or desire if you know what it is you want or desire in the first place. So while those chilled-out friends might seem happy, they’re actually just drifting along.
 THINK POSITIVE
Bottling up emotions and bad feelings creates psychological distress and physical discomfort. Happy people get things off their chest, their motto is: get rid of it, or it will get rid of you. Similarly, work at developing optimistic thinking; happy people always look on the  bright side.
 Successful athletes know to focus on winning, not losing, explains Miriam Akhtar, one of the first positive psychologists in the UK. We need to switch from a negative, glass-half-empty outlook to a glass-half-full and put optimism into practice to be happiest. Optimism is the mind’s natural self-defence mechanism against depression.

VALUE HAPPINESS
Happiness can be learned, but finding meaning and a purpose in life is what leads to it, not the other way around. The happiest people appreciate and realise that being happy adds years to their life, and life to their years.

An Awesome 2012 Promise

Earlier this year, i found this Christian Larson quote. Which i found very inspiring and motivating. Sometimes, we have to make certain promises to ourselves to be happy and really fulfilled.......

“Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing

can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity

to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel

that there is something in them

To look at the sunny side of everything

and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,

and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others

as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past

and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times

and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself

that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,

and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,

not in loud words but great deeds.

To live in faith that the whole world is on your side

so long as you are true to the best that is in you. ”

― Christian D. Larson

Romance & Finance – 9 Vital Questions to Ask & Answer Before You Say “I Do”

By Nimi Akinkugbe

Whether you are in a serious relationship, just recently married, or have been married for several years, money matters can be controversial if not handled carefully. When two people become a couple they confront a myriad of financial choices and decisions. Are you engaged? How much do you know about your fiance’s financial situation? After the excitement of the wedding ceremonies, it will be time to face your financial future together.

Navigating this somewhat sensitive issue is important because financial problems can strain relationships to breaking point and have been cited as a major cause of divorce, yet most couples go into marriage without ever broaching this subject. It may not be romantic, but it is important. Here are some of the money issues that you should discuss with your significant other.

What is your attitude toward money?
You do not just develop good or bad money habits by chance; attitudes to money are formed very early on in life and usually develop over many years. You may not even realize the full effect of your childhood experiences, circumstances, and your parent’s attitude towards money; indeed many people simply assume the savings and money management habits of their parents. Were they very frugal, disciplined savers, or were they spendthrifts? Your attitude toward money can have a significant impact on the financial decisions you make.

What are your financial goals?
What are your short, medium, and long-term goals? Where do you see yourselves 5, 10, 20 years from now? Financially this can mean owning your own home, educating your children and planning for your retirement.

In relationships there may be different goals and priorities. One may be averse to debt whilst for the other debt is a way of life. He might want a flash car, whilst she feels more secure with money in the bank. She might spend all the housekeeping money on jewelry, shoes and bags whilst his priority is to give the children a sound education. He may view the new home cinema as their greatest new asset, whilst her priority is to make a down payment on their own home. If the differences are fundamental this will be a source of conflict. At the same time, be conscious of the fact that it shouldn’t be all about scrimping and saving towards the future; enjoy yourselves as well.

Who will manage the family finances?
Women often enter marriage assuming that their spouse will handle all money issues and thus delegate almost total responsibility and sit on the sidelines without being involved. Determine who is best able to manage the routine everyday financial matters. Teamwork is essential and shared duties work well for some families, but even if one party is more involved, both should have a general overview of the total picture. Periodic meetings are important so you know where you stand financially and can see whether you are actually moving closer towards your family goals.

How much debt are you bringing to the marriage?
Many people do not discover the full extent of their spouse’s financial obligations until they are married. Debt brought into marriage can be a major source of strife if not well handled. Each partner should know the debt load the other one carries, as once you are married that debt load is shared. Whilst you are not legally responsible for the loans opened in your spouse’s name, it could certainly affect your eligibility for joint loans such as a mortgage. It should be a priority to try to deal with it together and bring it under control.

How do you feel about budgeting?
It is surprising how many married couples get by without a budget. Through budgeting you have a better idea of what is coming in and how much can be spent. You should both know how much you pay for your rent or mortgage, utility bills, insurance, and so on. Budgeting responsibilities should be shared such that neither partner should feel that they have to shoulder the entire responsibility. Periodic meetings, say at least once a month are useful to review bank balances, any outstanding debt, routine expenses as well as any major expenses that need to be carefully planned for.

Who pays for what?
Something as basic as the handling of everyday household expenses is a source of friction in many families. How will you handle routine household expenses? You both earn but how much should each person contribute? Are you both doing your “share”? Should it be equal amounts no matter what each person earns, or a certain percentage? If you earn significantly more or less than your spouse, it seems only fair to contribute amounts in proportion to your respective incomes to reflect this imbalance.

Some couples assign expenses – you pay the rent and school fees, whilst I’ll pay for groceries, utility bills, and so on. Others couples use one partner’s income for all expenses and apply the other income to build up savings and investments.

Will you have separate or joint accounts or a combination of the two?
There has been extensive debate over single and joint accounts. Most couples would strive for the same goal to create a stronger marriage whilst maintaining financial responsibility. Some argue that joint accounts create a sense of unity that is vital to any relationship. If money is separated you weaken the bond that is the essence of any long-term relationship. On the other hand, separate accounts allow each the ability to retain some independence; this it is suggested could actually strengthen a relationship.

Will you open a joint account and pool both incomes or have separate accounts? 
Having a joint account combined with individual accounts for personal expenses is a good compromise as each partner takes some responsibility for the household budget, yet is still able to retain some autonomy. Partners contribute a certain amount of their monthly salary into the joint account to cover routine household expenses such as food, utility bills and so on. Some couples decide to pay their salaries into the joint account and then pay themselves a monthly allowance.

If you had a fairly independent existence before this relationship and managed your own finances and made your own investment decisions, it may be more difficult to give up that control to another person. Yet if you were not particularly structured about your finances you might be more able to opt for a joint account.

It is important to remember that parties to a joint account have a right to withdraw all the money in the account. It is for this reason that the use of joint accounts is usually limited to people who have built a solid level of trust. Look critically at the options and try to come to a compromise that will suit your relationship.

Will you set spending limits?
Do you have to account for everything you spend to your spouse? If you show up with an expensive new TV or a car, could this be a cause of tension? Everyone needs some personal spending money that doesn’t have to be accounted for. The amount will vary depending on the couples resources and lifestyle. Some couples set spending limits on how much either can spend without consulting each other.

Even though there may be the occasional conflict about money, it is really about how best conflicts can be resolved. With careful planning, clear communication and compromise, many frustrating conversations can be avoided. There is no one size fits all when it comes to finances in relationships; even the best system may not always be appropriate so be prepared to modify your system as your relationship and financial situation evolve. Try to find the right balance that works for your situation; if one option doesn’t work, try another. The financial decisions that you make now can have a lasting impact on your financial future as you go through life together.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Nimi Akinkugbe is a Regional Director (West Africa) International Private Bank at Barclays Wealth and Chief Country Officer for Nigeria. Nimi is passionate about encouraging financial independence. She offers frank, practical insights to create a greater awareness and understanding of personal finance and wealth management issues. She is married with 3 children. Find out more via www.nimiakinkugbe.com

Law of diminishin​g intent

“The Longer you wait to do something you know you should do now, the greater the chances you will never actually do it!” – Culled from The Success Formula by Bob Burg.

Patience is a virtue; it in fact is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. Patience however does not mean slackness. Patience is rather a manifestation of faith that allows you to maintain decorum as you position for the things that are yours while they do not appear to be so. I’m stating this clearly ahead so that you don’t confuse what I’m writing about today with a motivation to be impatient, you need to have the right context about patience. What you have when you wait without instruction or without faith in a possibility is not patience its slackness!

One of the clear differences between successful people and failures is promptness in taking action. It is good to know what you need to do; it’s great to do it. While failures philosophize with excuses, successful people take action. Successful people have learnt that when you procrastinate till tomorrow, tomorrow rarely ever comes! The most important step for success to happen is usually the first step. In moving a body from rest into motion, the force required to change status quo is stronger than what is required to maintain it.

Woody Allen is quoted as saying that 80% of success is merely showing up. That if you have the conviction to start, the grace to finish becomes available. Visible transformation starts when thinking changes. In order not to be bound by the law of diminishing intent, these are a few thoughts that need to change.

1.       Action doesn’t have to be perfect; it just has to be something.

It is better to act and gradually perfect your act, than to wait until you have completely mastered it before you start. The odds are you will never completely master what you have not practiced. When it comes to imitating a system of successful actions and activities, practically any action is better than no action at all.

Don’t wait for perfect conditions to act, don’t wait for perfect weather to sow. When you know this is what you need to do, don’t let delay rob you of it.

2.       Tomorrow never comes.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today, those are the words of the master! Procrastination is the thief of time. When you put off what you know you ought to do today till tomorrow, tomorrow has the habit of perpetuating itself, and tomorrow is always a day away. Do it today, do it now! Don’t postpone the best days of your life, express love, show gratitude, ask for a favour, take a chance, take a risk, do it today! Tomorrow is not yours.

3. “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly, until you learn how to do it well” – Zig Ziglar.

Do you aim, aim, aim and shoot? Or do you shot, aim, shoot, aim and shoot and aim? I guess it depends on the number of bullets you have. It depends on the number of tries you have, and how much time you have. You are not limited to one try. Success comes from experience, and experience comes from failed attempts. Your bullets are useless in heaven, use them now. Shoot, see how far the target it takes you, adjust and shoot again. Even if your bullets miss, you would have entertained the crowd. I like that quote from Zig Ziglar, “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly, until you learn how to do it well”. Medicine and Law are called a practice for one reason, no matter how many years you have done them for, you can’t be perfect… you are still practicing.

4.       You don’t need a better environment!

 Many people I have met believe they need a better job, a better country, a better opportunity or a better background. Interestingly you don’t need a better environment before you condition can be transformed. A lizard in Nigeria rarely ever amounts to more than a lizard in any other nation in the world. You do not need to pray for God to help you change your environment. You don’t need a different place before you can act, it’s an excuse! In the classical book science of getting rich, the author makes an amazing statement.”Do not wait for a change of environment to act, cause a change in the environment by action.”

The first thing you need to do is get clarity about where you want to be, understand the system that has helped others to get there, and act. If you act in a certain way, you will find yourself attracting the relationships and actions that will bring you into the environment where you desires can become actualized. Stop waiting for the environment to change, your job to change or your boss to change. Act Now!

I also like the way Napoleon Hill put it in, Think and Grow Rich. – “Do not wait; the time will never be “just right”. Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.” Or the way Jim Stovall put it in, You Don’t Have To Be Blind To See – “Nothing is more powerful than a person who knows his destiny and has chosen now as the time to pursue it.

Is it something you should do because it is a system that others have used to get them to where you want to go? Do it!

Woman be thou: NATURAL!

There’s nothing like seeing a beautiful well groomed woman. It’s quite an appealing and nice feeling when women come out natural, as in real hair, natural nails and just a light touch of makeup.

I often reminisce about my secondary school days. I remember how my peers and i evolve from mere playmates in our junior days into amazing beauties in senior years despite the fact that we werent even allow to grow our hair.  I recall how we (well most of us) would dedicate time to comb our natural low cuts, do a clean manicures and use nothing but lip gloss and talc (white powder) for makeup. Astonishing, we came out looking really good – natural beauties, you could say and we also managed to top the class academically.

My days in the university were a lot different.  With a lot more liberty, we naturally were more adventurous with our looks, exploring numerous kinds of makeup and accessories to accentuate our physical features. We obviously looked more mature and lot sexier. Though less natural looking, we still looked beautiful.

Now we have an issue arising, which is a major concern for me. Everything on most women today, both young and middle aged screams synthetic.  Yes, they scream artificial or to put it bluntly, they scream, fake. From our hair, our nails, to eyelashes, even the colour of our eyes are artificially enhanced.

At present, waxed eyelashes appear to be the fashion craze, most women young and old alike are all caught up in the frenzy of eyelash waxing. Many after fixing it look like they got the bristles of the mascara brush glue to their eyelids.

A few weekends ago, my friends and I went to check out a new restaurant in town. During our normal loud chit chats and near pointless banter, a girl walked by swinging her hips obviously trying to get the attention of some guys seated at a table nearby, which I must confess she had for a full 10 seconds, after which one of my friends Tolani said: “Do some women always have to have that thing on their eyes or have their face looking like a Picasso masterpiece?”

“Some women just look like babie dolls to me,” said Lara.

After a little more deliberation, we agreed that there is an increasing dependence on makeup by a lot of women today.

I want to state that I perfectly understand why women have to have hair extensions and considering our rather hectic schedules at work, home and school as the case applies, hair extensions are arguably the best option, demanding less time and attention as compared to natural hair.......Trust me, I know. I can also tolerate to as a certain extent synthetic nails, though I’m not a fan. As for artificial eyelashes, I have tried, but still don’t get it, and I doubt that I will. I often wonder why some women have to have them fixed. It is meant to make you look more beautiful or sexy?

I recently stumbled on a programme showing on BBC lifestyle; Miss Naked Beauty. I was just about to change the channel, dismissing it as one of those meaningless mediocre TV shows, but I found that the main aim of the show was to eliminate the contestants’ dependence on makeup. I was so elated, as the show proved that I was not a lone soldier, fighting a lost cause. The show had a lot of really beautiful contestants’ who were so addicted to makeup that they couldn’t look at their makeup-free reflections in the mirror without being disgusted. I’m quite sure we all can cite similar cases – well, maybe not that extreme.

I am not advocating a ban on makeup and other beauty products, or the forced closing of beauty parlours and salons. What I’m trying to convey to my fellow ladies is that we don’t have to expend an excess amount of money on makeup and other artificial beauty enhancers to look beautiful. It is a popular cliché among guys that if you want to know if a girl is actually beautiful, be there when she wakes up in the morning. If she looks beautiful then, she’s a real beauty. Truth be told, makeup and some beauty enhancers can sometimes make women a little more beautiful, while it actually makes some others look older than their age. The effects of all the chemical on the skin begins to show over a while. I plead with young ladies that we should depend less on makeup and try to go a little more natural.

Please......don’t get me started on skin bleaching!